I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
