she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize