I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
whose parrot is this?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
