so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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