I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
