hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
