Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
