My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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