Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
