No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
