Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
