Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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