he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
why is half of my head shaved?
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