just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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