yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
