i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
No subtext here. People are naked.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
