reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
