I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Is it penis luge time yet?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
