I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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