ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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