I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
