And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
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