I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
