margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
i've created a new STD.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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