My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
