I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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