I look better un-naked...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
