A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
