Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
