I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
