I hate your face
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
