im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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