the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
