Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
