She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
we should paint friendship bongs
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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