I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
