Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
