mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
