Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
