So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize