He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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