If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
