You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
