i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
