Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
