No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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