I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
