don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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