I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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