I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
