i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
