I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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