I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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