Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
